The last couple of months were the most exciting but also hurtful time I had in a very long time, although silent in the sense that I didn’t write anything my life had undergone twists and turns; each opportunity a learning curve where I discovered so much of myself, as a person.
As a woman, walking this path alone, I realized my vulnerability and how people would use me, sometimes even with my permission. For a long time I lived in a very safe cocoon allowing others to think for me but since I made the bold step to stand on my own, taking responsibility for myself, I realized that my understanding of life was very much shaped by my circumstances, and the people or culture I lived in at the time. In short, I wasn’t street smart and I had to learn quickly how to fit in or be devoured.
Because of the safe haven I perceived people in black and white with little or no grace towards them. Now those unyielding glasses had fallen away and my awareness of life became more colourful; making room not only for my own mistakes but those I’ve met. Life isn’t rigid or set in stone but a kaleidoscope of laughter and passion, where I discover new opportunities at every corner—venturing out in the unknown to find incredible prospects and beautiful things along the way. At times I’m amazed at my own boldness walking into places I would not have dreamed to do previously and in the process made friends: my pioneer spirit reveling in the new person emerging from the cocoon.
In my vulnerability I learned to trust my gut; I made mistakes when I disobeyed that little voice, who diligently watch over me. While doing this I learned to have fun laughing more than I did in a long time. I learned that it’s okay to mess up—no longer do I chastise myself in doing so—and at times ate some humble pie but it taught me valuable skills that served me in my daily life and work environment. I work with people every day and at times I experience the good, the bad and the ugly all in a span of one week. As human beings we have different perceptions but when finely tuned in—making the effort—the ugly turns out beautiful, the bad good and the good sometimes bad. Life is a fine balance between them all.
My love life has its own challenges. When two people meet, two worlds have to find a way to come together effortlessly (in my mind in any case). To adjust myself and find meaning and what I really want from life, incorporating another human being into it without forgetting who I am, is a mission in it self. For now, being part of someone’s life has taken a back seat.
In a second chance relationship more work goes into it but it took a broken relationship to grasp the full extend of it. When we met I thought this is it, the man I will spend my old age with and I prepared myself to fit in his life but after awhile I realized it would take time, effort and if both parties doesn’t work at it every attempt would be fruitless. When it ended it left me purposeless and empty and I knew I would remove myself from the relationship scene completely. At times I feel the emptiness settling in me wondering if I would ever allow myself to love again. Although saddened I realize that I need this time to get to terms with it all and discover my own purpose.
I never appreciated my passionate side, hiding it from everyone including myself, but on this new journey I got to discern the intensity which I feel with and know not everyone would appreciate it. Although I embrace my passionate side it does make me vulnerable to life and relationships creating its own challenges and I’ve learned more about myself letting go of old or even wrong thought patterns finding the balance in the midst of this and adapt in a way so that I won’t get lost again.
Another learning curve.
With all this said I simply want to leave you with the thought: Don’t be afraid to live, to dream, to love and yes even to make mistakes.
To be true to ourselves takes determination and courage and at times you would be lonely not sure about the choices or even the next step but looking at the bigger picture we learn to know our own strengths discovering a world that would accept us for who we are.
But mostly to accept ourselves.
Be true to you.